The official joke thread

[Nibiru2012]

A lifelong friend sent this to me in an email, thought y'all would like this, I did! LOL!


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Rhode Island to Chicago. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were dead tired, and decided to take a room.

We only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high.

I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

(Don't mess with Senior Citizens)

 

[Kalario]

I know this has been around - but in case I'm not the one who sent it - it bears repeating, because it is so true - it tells us something about where this country is going......

Let's see if I understand how America works lately.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was
holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n'
roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain
you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to
shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government
for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame
television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the
gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill
the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is
anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in
front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

 

[Kalario]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off
to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny
member,
about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think
this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed, and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How
about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept
doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

[yodap]

Breaking News

BP announced this morning,


they installed a wedding ring


around the leaking pipe &


almost instantly, it quit putting out.

 

[Nibiru2012]

Breaking News

BP announced this morning,


they installed a wedding ring


around the leaking pipe &


almost instantly, it quit putting out.

Okay... where's that Shepherds Crook? Darn it... can't find it anywhere!

 

[yodap]

Okay... where's that Shepherds Crook? Darn it... can't find it anywhere!

I hope that was taken with the humor intended. Of course my heart goes out to all the people and wildlife adversely affected by by this monumental disaster and I also hope BP continues to pay for this for years to come. And that all oil companies are required to pay much closer attention to what they are ****ing doing.

 

[Nibiru2012]

I found it extremely humorous! But I think that the situation with the broken oil well is worse that what we're really being told.

I have heard and read reports of the sea floor being fractured around the area of the bore hole and the oil is seeping out from some of the fractures.

Why the media called / calls this an "oil spill" is beyond me, it's an oil gusher!

 

[andsome]

What annoys me about this whole episode is the way that the Americans have blown it all up so much. Of course I feel desperately sorry for the people involved, but I feel even more sorry for the people in Bhopal still waiting for help from America, after the Union Carbide disaster. Also, what about the billions of gallons of oil spilt by American companies in Nigeria. There are many more such cases where the Americans have been very very hypocritical.

 

[#Flizr]

A lifelong friend sent this to me in an email, thought y'all would like this, I did! LOL!


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Rhode Island to Chicago. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were dead tired, and decided to take a room.

We only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high.

I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

(Don't mess with Senior Citizens)

This was really funny!

 

[Kalario]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come
back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house"!

 

[andsome]

My barber is a woman, so that definitely isn't me going round to see her husband thanks.

 

[clifford_cooley]

My barber is a woman, so that definitely isn't me going round to see her husband thanks.

Instead you are getting a haircut every week, no wonder you have a bald spot.

 

[andsome]

Instead you are getting a haircut every week, no wonder you have a bald spot.

I don't fancy her. She is a good barber, probably one of the best that I have used, but THAT IS IT!

 

[clifford_cooley]

Speaking of haircuts its about time I got my thin spot up top cut again.

 

[andsome]

The Purina diet


Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP in Denbigh buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day ....





















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[TrainableMan]

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig, huh?

 

[TrainableMan]

Clothing Safety warning:

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

 

[TrainableMan]

Do you like horse racing?

The horses are at the starting gate:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off!
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything he has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.

 

[yodap]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Our local horse meet starts tomorrow. I wonder if I could get the announcer to read that to the 40,000 plus expected to show up.

 

[Nibiru2012]

OMG! :hahaha: That's hilarious! :lol: :congrats: