Veedaz
~
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2009
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:lol: How true that is andsome
The official joke thread
- Thread starter andsome
- Start date
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2010
- Messages
- 363
- Reaction score
- 57
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
- Joined
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- 57
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk..
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk..
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
- Joined
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- 363
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- 57
JUST TOO FUNNY, ENJOY....
When a woman lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
> The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
> The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
> The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
> The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.
>
"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up withBrad Pitt.
>
Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
> Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
ALL US WOMEN
When a woman lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
> The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
> The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
> The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
> The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.
>
"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up withBrad Pitt.
>
Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
> Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
ALL US WOMEN
yodap
No longer shovelling
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2009
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- 1,430
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- 340
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
Nibiru2012
Quick Scotty, beam me up!
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2009
- Messages
- 4,955
- Reaction score
- 1,302
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
Elmer BeFuddled
Resident eejit
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2010
- Messages
- 1,048
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- 251
Got banned from B&Q Hardware this morning,
As I walked in the store this old fella in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.
Okay, it's an old 'un!!
As I walked in the store this old fella in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.
Okay, it's an old 'un!!
Veedaz
~
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2009
- Messages
- 1,988
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- 374
:lol: Ive not heard that before
- Joined
- May 10, 2010
- Messages
- 9,362
- Reaction score
- 1,587
Man having a conversation with God:
Man: God, what is a million years to you?
God: My son, it is but a second.
Man: Then what is a million dollars to you?
God: My son, it is but a penny.
Man: Can I barrow a penny?
God: Of course my child, in a second!
Man: God, what is a million years to you?
God: My son, it is but a second.
Man: Then what is a million dollars to you?
God: My son, it is but a penny.
Man: Can I barrow a penny?
God: Of course my child, in a second!
- Joined
- May 10, 2010
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Here's one you can tell the youngsters:
Did you hear they tried to clone Yogi Bear? But it didn't work out; they made a BooBoo.
Did you hear they tried to clone Yogi Bear? But it didn't work out; they made a BooBoo.
- Joined
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Soon after God created Adam and Eve, He sees Eve wading waist deep in the sea and He let's out a sigh. Adam asks, "What is the matter?" and God replies, "Now my fish are going to smell like that!"
- Joined
- May 24, 2009
- Messages
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A middle aged man walks into a pub. He reaches into his handbag and pulls out a 1 foot tall man and a piano. The foot tall man sits down at the tiny bench and begins playing the piano. The bartender comes over and asks "Hey, where did you get this man and his piano?" The man replies "There's a genie granting one wish to whoever passes by. He's just down the street."
The bartender rushed out of the pub and down the street. There, he saw the genie. The genie's voice boomed "Greetings. Might I grant you one free wish?" The bartender replied, "Why yes, I'd like a million bucks." The genie replied "So it shall be." With a snap of his fingers, one million mallards came out of nowhere and landed at his feet.
The bartender ran back to the bar, with all of his mallards following. He said to the man with the piano player "That genie is sure lousy as hell, I asked for a million dollars and he gives me a bunch of ducks. What am I supposed to do with all of these ducks?" The man replied "And you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
The bartender rushed out of the pub and down the street. There, he saw the genie. The genie's voice boomed "Greetings. Might I grant you one free wish?" The bartender replied, "Why yes, I'd like a million bucks." The genie replied "So it shall be." With a snap of his fingers, one million mallards came out of nowhere and landed at his feet.
The bartender ran back to the bar, with all of his mallards following. He said to the man with the piano player "That genie is sure lousy as hell, I asked for a million dollars and he gives me a bunch of ducks. What am I supposed to do with all of these ducks?" The man replied "And you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
- Joined
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An young man born with no arms finds a listing in the want-ads for a local church needing a bell ringer. When he shows up at the church the pastor says I really don't think this is the right job for you. The guy says just give me a chance to show you I can do it. The pastor reluctantly agrees so the man runs all the way up to the bell tower. He swings back and then swings forward slamming his face into the bell. The huge bell swings out and then swings back knocking the man out of the bell tower and splat on the pavement below. A crowd gathers around and asks the pastor who the dead person is. The pastor answers, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."
Now you would think this is the end of the story but it isn't.
A week later another gentleman shows up and he tells the pastor that the guy last week was his brother and today he laid him in the ground. He tells the pastor he would like to ring the bell once in his brothers honor. The pastor reluctantly agrees. This gentleman has hands but decides to do it just like his brother did. And again the bell swings out, swings back, and knocks him out of the bell tower, and splat on the ground below. A crowd gathers round and asks, now who is this fellow? The pastor replies, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Now you would think this is the end of the story but it isn't.
A week later another gentleman shows up and he tells the pastor that the guy last week was his brother and today he laid him in the ground. He tells the pastor he would like to ring the bell once in his brothers honor. The pastor reluctantly agrees. This gentleman has hands but decides to do it just like his brother did. And again the bell swings out, swings back, and knocks him out of the bell tower, and splat on the ground below. A crowd gathers round and asks, now who is this fellow? The pastor replies, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
- Joined
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Man goes to hospital to see his newborn son, notices the boy does not have any eyelids, doctor says not to worry as when they perform a circumcision they'll use that skin to make eyelids. The man is dismayed "I'll have a cock eyed son" he cries.
Don't fret says the doctor, think of the foresight he'll have.
Don't fret says the doctor, think of the foresight he'll have.
- Joined
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- 9,362
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- 1,587
I was in a pub over the weekend and there was this beautiful woman at the end of the bar. I went over to her and I whispered, "Would you sleep with me for $10,000 dollars?" She answered, "I would be crazy not to." I asked, "Would you sleep with me for $10 dollars?" She yells, "What kind of woman do you think I am?" I said, "We already established that, now we're just dickering over the price!"
This is kinda... Umm.. Well, just read it!
Santa asks Priest: Why did god make women so beautiful?
Priest: So that you will love them.
Santa thinks for a short time...
Santa: But why did God make them so dumb?
Priest: So that they will love you.Priest: So that you will love them.
Santa thinks for a short time...
Santa: But why did God make them so dumb?
- Joined
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Esquire's 62 Jokes from beautiful women (only the first 49 are worth reading but you still may want to look at the ladies) ...
http://www.esquire.com/women/funny-...rel&dom=yah_life&src=syn&con=blog_esq&mag=esq
http://www.esquire.com/women/funny-...rel&dom=yah_life&src=syn&con=blog_esq&mag=esq
yodap
No longer shovelling
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2009
- Messages
- 1,430
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A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."