The official joke thread

[TrainableMan]

Quotes taken from actual performance reports:

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this associate to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

 

[TrainableMan]

[FONT=&quot]THE PLAN[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]In the beginning was the plan. And then came the assumptions, and the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the faces of the workers. And they spoke amongst themselves saying, “It is a crock of sh*t and it stinketh!” And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, “it is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor thereof.” And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide it.” And the Managers went unto the Directors and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its’ strength.” And the Directors spoke amongst themselves saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.” And the Directors went unto the Vice-presidents and sayeth to them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful!” And the Vice-presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, “The new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of the company and certain areas in particular.” And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]And this is how Sh*t Happens !!![/FONT]

 

[Nibiru2012]

Husband Down​

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. ​

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. ​

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. ​

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. ​

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. ​

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. ​

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. ​

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

​

​

 

[Nibiru2012]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest seated beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument with a 6 inch barrel, turns on easily, and
is designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official replied, 'Go ahead, Father!'

 

[Super Sarge]

Ridiculous speed sign
[ame="[MEDIA=youtube]b2xnWYx8YK8[/MEDIA]"]YouTube - AH!Believable-Vol. 1-"Ridiculous Speed Sign"[/ame]

 

[TrainableMan]

Now he's going to complain to the city about the big potholes :lol:

 

[Kalario]

I thought this is funny, in light of what's happening in Egypt.

 

[Super Sarge]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

 

[TrainableMan]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

> Dear Tech Support,
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
> particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
>
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
> · Romance 9.5 and
> · Personal Attention 6.5,
> and then installed undesirable programs such as
> · NBA 5.0,
> · NFL 3.0, and
> · Porn 6.9.
>
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
>
> Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
>
> What can I do?
>
> Signed,
>
> Desperate.

******************************************

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. (If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.)

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Girlfriend 2.0 or Beer 6.1 (Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download theFarting and Snoring Loudly Beta.)

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0
· Hot Lingerie 7.7 and
· Boob Job 3.8.DD.


Good Luck Babe!

-- Tech Support

 

[andsome]

[ame="[MEDIA=youtube]EvjQPHDu5xE[/MEDIA]"]YouTube - Light house vs USS Montana[/ame]

 

[Mychael]

Bit like the old pilots tale. An aircraft making an approach I.F.R under lousey conditions.. "tower to pilot, when you have us visual rock your wings" "Pilot to tower, how about you rock your tower when you can see me".

 

[andsome]

SPANK YES or NO You will love this!

.Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while, baby brother was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom and the baby let out a cry.


The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

 

[BenWarner]

Nice jock. I like it...........

 

[andsome]

Senior citizens entertainment

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch."

"It's been in my family for six generations. “He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .


Claude was never invited back to entertain.

 

[Ducarmel]

LOL best topic ever

UP!

 

[Fire cat]

Why do hurricanes have women names?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, and when they leave, you've lost your house and car.

 

[andsome]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

[rbeldua]

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

 

[Super Sarge]

Jesus and the Democrat

[FONT=&quot]I hope you get a smile out of this one. (I don't care what party you [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
like, this one's funny!!)

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup
of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus,
over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup
of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on
crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey!
How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he
raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm
collecting disability."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[bassfisher6522]

That's just good TV right there, I don't care who you are.....