The official joke thread

[andsome]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'



St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'



So the zebra went off in search of God.



When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


God simply replied 'You are what you are.'


The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'


The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''


St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'


'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'


WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!

 

[andsome]

Praise fror answered prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation
cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[Kalario]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs
a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing, you must be a lucky frog, eh? "

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

 

[Kalario]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck...This was your Grandma's
idea."

 

[Kalario]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level,stuff that will make them scream, cry,wail,
howl in pain, desperation and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 

[andsome]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTRE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

[roban]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down
A road when they hear a voice call from behind a
Sand-dune. "One Australian soldier is better than ten
Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of
His best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle
Breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Australian is better than
A hundred Taliban soldiers." Furious, the Taliban
Commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
And instantly a huge gunfight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Australian voice calls out, "One Australian is better than
One thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander
Musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the
Dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out
As a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
The dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, its a trap......
There's two of them."

 

[andsome]

ABSOLUTELYBLOODYBRILLIANT!:lol::lol:

 

[andsome]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K.
newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[Veedaz]

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :top:

 

[andsome]

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,
​

BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
​

We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name.


​

1. Sarah Brown.
2.
​

​

 

[Veedaz]

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,
​

BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
​

We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name.


​

1. Sarah Brown.
2.
​

:lol: Very good

 

[roban]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNE SS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney ?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

[andsome]

ABSOBLOODYLUTELYBRILLIANT.

 

[andsome]

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

 

[andsome]

It's a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait awhile for the dust to settle. *

 

[andsome]

*I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a "weapon of ash eruption". *

*It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe. *

*Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it. *

*Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash. *

*Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.*

*Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually". *

*I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland. *

*Volcano in Iceland. What next Earthquake in Asda? *

*Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change, I've been married to that bone-idle slob for 20 years.*

 

[andsome]

----------------------------------------------------------------------
We’ve got an unelected PM called Brown
whose policies let us all down
if not for his folly
we could all be so jolly
it’s time we were rid of this clown

The Great Leader continues to dither
while the Cabinet starts to quiver
Labour’s given up hope
cos Gormless Gordy cant cope
his Government just cant deliver

Our cash he continues to shower
on bankers in their ivory tower
he’s clearly gone mad
so we’ll all be glad
when Gordy gets kicked out of power





Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’”.

“No,” said Brown, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the Prime Minister, “that’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of Tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand…In a quiet voice he said: “If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Brown was struck by a “friendly fire” missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Gordy. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either!”

 

[andsome]

Important Health Advice




Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:




dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, loss of motor control,




loss of clothing,




loss of money,




loss of virginity,




delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz

 

[andsome]

> Two Little Boys.
>
> Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.
> They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew
> all about it.
>
> If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were
> probably involved.
>
> The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been
> successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
> speak with her boys.
>
> The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
> So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with
> the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
>
> The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
> younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where
> God is, son?'
>
> The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
> sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
>
> So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner
> tone, 'Where is God?'
>
> Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised
> his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face
> and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
>
> The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home
> and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
>
> When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
> 'What happened?'
>
> The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in
> BIG trouble this time,'
> (I just LOVE reading this next line again and again
>
>
> 'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'